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Acceptable (75%) – Prompt A: Includes some analysis of the design choices made in the advertisement (e.g., layout, color schemes, text, and/or other design components), but focuses primarily on descriiption; somewhat effectively draws conclusions about the intended audience, and the likely impact and effectiveness of the advertisement. Prompt B: Defines a meaningful and nuanced word or concept adequately, but only sometimes uses critical thinking and thoughtful discussion to explore the definition; only sometimes goes beyond traditional definitions to define or redefine the word in a new and unique way. Ideas may be outside the realm of personal or common knowledge without attempted citation.
Robert added: Good work writing this essay in the informative mode. To improve, focus more of the writing on informing readers about the topic selected. This essay is nearly there.
Working Thesis (5 points) 3.9 13% Acceptable (75%) – Has an acceptable working thesis that states a claim, but it may be unclear or unfocused, or consist of more than one sentence.
Robert added: Nice set up to the essay with a sense of the plans to inform the reader about this topic. To improve, consider clarifying more exact plans for what the body paragraphs will cover. Remember that material wealth is a traditional definition of success and should not be in the theiss or the essay, only in the intro where you have it in the Cambridge definition. For a definition essays, the thesis should include be written in one sentence at the end of the intro., and it should be a detailed overview of the extended definition, ideally outlining the main points covered in the body paragraphs. It should read like a dictionary entry, but in a complete sentence. A good way to start this is: The definition of family should be expanded to include ________, ____, and ______… or ____________ can be further defined as_____________,__________, and _________. Or ____________’s definition also should include _________, __________, and _________. Example: The definition of family should be expanded to include…_________, __________, and _________.
Organization (5 points) 3.9 13% Acceptable (75%) – Includes all of the required components of an essay, including an introduction with a thesis; an adequate number of body paragraphs (3-6), each with a topic sentence; and a conclusion with a concluding statement; however, some components may be ineffective; the sequence of sentences and paragraphs is somewhat logical, and may lack good flow.
Robert added: Nice work organizing most ideas for this informative essay. To improve, consider using topic sentences more consistently to connect informative ideas to the thesis statement. In a definition essay, the main topic sentence, or main point sentence, needs to be the part of the definition of your word that you are defining. It should be worded in a way that states that part of the definition. Success is…or Success can be further defined as…Beauty’s extended definition should also include… These statements should match the main points of your thesis in terms of subject and order. It feels like you have too many paragraphs. Cut the ones that focus upon the traditional definition.
Style and Tone (5 point) 3.9 13% Acceptable (75%) – Demonstrates generally effective style choices, but may include poor word choice, and/or repetitive sentence structures; primarily establishes an unbiased and impersonal tone that is appropriate for an informative essay; but some sections express bias or include personal observations.
Robert added: Good job remaining objective for most of this informative essay. To improve, consider avoiding argumentation or the inclusion of personal opinion. Think of this essay as a long dictionary definition. Each main topic sentence should sound like a definition. It should carry a somewhat similar formal tone that a dictionary has but a little watered down. The 3rd person, formal, objective tone is very effective. For the revision, use variations of the word define or definition more often, especially in main topic sentences, to increase the tone of definition.
Focus (5 point) 4.1 12% Proficient (85%) – Details are relevant and support the purpose of the essay; the writer makes some effective connections between the supporting details and the working thesis.
Robert added: Nice focus for each body paragraph with the use of topic sentences to keep ideas on track for this informative essay. Using some form of the verb to define, noun definition, or synonym of them is crucial for setting the tone of a definition essay. Doing this will focus the idea of defining in the essay and connect it all together from the thesis in the introduction, to the main topic sentences and every sentence in the essay. Focus upon your new definition and less on the traditional.
Conventions (5 point) 4.8 12% Advanced (100%) – There are few, if any, negligible errors in grammar, punctuation, spelling, capitalization, formatting, and usage.
Robert added: Impeccable editing for this informative Touchstone.
Think About Your Writing (5 point) 4.8 12% Advanced (100%) – Demonstrates thoughtful reflection; consistently includes insights, observations, and/or examples in all responses; answers all reflection questions effectively, following or exceeding response length guidelines.
Robert added: Thank you for your personal reflections!
FEEDBACK:
It’s me again, Robert P. Ivey, and I will be your eGrader for this Touchstone project!
Good job including the traditional definition in the intro as the instructions require!!!
The first two body paragraphs are well written. They needs to be cut or refocused for the revision though. They are too heavily focused upon the traditional definition. You already took care of the traditional definition in the introduction as the instructions require. The rest of the essay should now be focused upon your new and expanded definition.
This is an interesting and new idea concerning defining success in your third body paragraph: “Moreover, people who achieve tremendous achievements that stretch human capabilities are also regarded as successful.” The wording is good but not in the tone of definition. For main topic sentences in a definition essay, make the word you are defining (success, art, family, beauty) come first. Then have it do a verb and finish the thought. For example,
The definition of what is considered beautiful has evolved to be more diverse in nature; for example, one may have a “beautiful soul.”
Or Family can be further defined as…
I really like this sentence: “The definition of success in the
modern world is more closely linked to personal values.”
This is a great foundation for the T3 revision! Just a reminder for the revision: a large part of the T3 grade is revision, so please be sure to respond to feedback by dealing with ways to make constructive changes and revising issues that are raised in the feedback.
Robert P Ivey
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